Dads Need Support, Too: Three Ways That Fathers Raising Neurodiverse Kids Struggle, and One Thing They Can Do
There’s a dad I’ve worked with that we’ll call Adam (not his real name). I had been meeting with his wife for several months when she asked if I’d begin meeting with her husband, too. She explained that although Adam wasn’t one to reach out for support, she believed he would benefit from the conversations she and I had been having. And although she’d learned quite a bit in our months of working together, she didn’t feel like she could explain the material clearly enough for her husband to integrate, and then implement those concepts in his own parenting of their complex child.
Adam shared stories of the frustrating — even sometimes infuriating —interactions with his son. Like any parent, he wanted to help his son, but it seemed like everything he attempted only escalated his son’s challenging behaviors and elevated the tension in their home.
While Adam could acknowledge that his son had a serious brain-based condition, he found it difficult to accept just how much accommodation his son required in order to make it through the day unscathed. Adam had a difficult time letting go of the age-based expectations around personal responsibility and accountability he’d carried since his own adolescence. The shame and embarrassment he felt about his son’s seemingly unreasonable, and sometimes out-of-control, behavior in front of other parents weighed heavily, to the point that Adam began avoiding social situations with his son as much as possible.
As we continued to work together, Adam began to recognize how deeply sad he was that his relationship with his son was so different from what he saw around him (with neighbors, friends, extended family), and from how that relationship had been with his own father.
Adam felt like his world was shrinking with each passing year.
From my experience working with many dads of kids struggling with behavioral symptoms, Adam’s stories and experiences are not unique. He shared with me how difficult he’s found it to be a dad in this space of neurobehavioral challenges, because he doesn’t know anyone else facing the same daily struggles he encounters. His wife had found her community of support with other moms, but he wasn’t finding the same for dads. That only compounded his sense of isolation in an already challenging situation.
The struggles Adam described come up again and again in the conversations I have with fathers. And while many mothers describe similar “themes” running through their parenting experience, I’ve found that we (as a larger society) often forget that fathers experience these things, too, and that it needs special attention given a father’s role in their child’s life and within many families.
The Unique Aspects of the Father Experience
In nearly a decade of supporting parents of kids with challenging behavioral symptoms, I’ve worked with many fathers like Adam — fiercely invested in learning how to parent their child who struggles with relentless and frustrating behaviors. Those dads want to learn how to help their family reduce the turmoil and chaos. And like so many of the mothers I work with, they are tired, stressed, and often on the verge of hopelessness, feeling as though nothing they do actually helps their child, and frequently escalates the challenging behaviors and overall tension in the home.
These dads want to do better, but they don’t know how — because a space that speaks to their unique experience doesn’t seem to exist.
Despite the commonalities between mothers and fathers in my practice, there are some broad, distinct differences in the experience of “fathering” — differences often overlooked by the larger mom-centric parenting support spaces. When these differences are recognized, and parent support is tailored to these unique aspects, fathers tend to make great strides in their parenting, leaving them feeling more competent, confident, and hopeful for their family.
Here are three overarching differences I’ve identified in my own work with dads, as it relates to parenting a child, teen or young adult with a brain-based difference and challenging behavioral symptoms.
1. Societal Beliefs About What it Means to Be a “Good Dad”
There is a deep-seated belief in mainstream socie